Get Over Your F&%king Selves

From

This is a picture of Peep and Boo at the doctor for their one year checkup. Peep's been walking for about three months now, and Boo is starting to take her hesitant, but rapidly progressing, steps. They laugh when we tickle them, play peek-a-boo, chase them through the house, or make funny faces. They cry when their steps falter and they fall, they bump their heads on something, or when we don't get their food ready fast enough. They look at the world with that first time sense of wonder that is so amazing to witness to parents.

It's amazing to think that they were conceived in a petri dish, in December of 2008. Then, about nine months later they arrived. Except for the method of conception and implantation, nothing was different than the pregnancy and birth of Munchkin. They are just as adorable, amazing, and frustrating as any other child.

On Monday the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine was awarded to Dr. Robert G. Edwards for the work he and the late Dr. Patrick Steptoe did for IVF. It's thanks to these two men that my wife and I were able to have Peep and Boo. However, you have those upset that no one consulted the Catholic church on the ethics of not needing the conjugal act in order to conceive, and then there are those who wonder if "a baby conceived in test tube is still a child in the eyes -- or mind or hands, depending on your theology/philosophy -- of God?" To both of those, I have a response. (Warning, very NSFW language to follow.)

Kiss my ass. Seriously. Not on the left, not on the right,... right square in the middle. Lickity split. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get the fuck over yourselves.

You know that thing you refer to as the "conjugal act"? My wife and I refer to it as sex, making love, and even fucking; We did both while we were dating, when we were living together, and after we were married; We used birth control when we didn't want to have kids, and when we did we stopped; We used the bed, couch, floor, kitchen and bathroom counters, and hood of a car for it; We used missionary, doggy, cowgirl, reverse-cowgirl, and pages from the Kama Sutra for positions; At some points we did it three times a day, and at others once a week; When we felt ready to have children we did our damndest to get to Carnegie Hall, and when that didn't work we tried fertility drugs, artificial insimination, and finally IVF.

However, at no point during any of that did we ask anyone their opinion. Neither friends, family, neighbors, strangers we passed in the street, Mr. Carrasco, Ms. Grossman, or the Pope were consulted as to how we should have sex or procreate. Princess and I are two consenting adults, and it's none of anyone's damn business what we decide to do.

Perhaps if Mr. Carrasco weren't celibate he would also know that by the time the majority arrive at the option of IVF they have had sex many times. The natural way of doing things wasn't working so we resorted to medical chemistry, and when that didn't work we went to medical procedures. I honestly don't give a rat's ass what Mr. Carrasco thinks, and if it wasn't for his ignorance on the issue I wouldn't have even known he existed.

As for Ms. Grossman, I don't believe in the existence souls. However, that's irrelevant. What she seems to be saying is that somehow those born through the IVF procedure are less than human, because one part of the process depended on medical intervention rather than a natural course. To that I have to say again, kiss my ass. 4 million, that's a 4 seven places to the left of the decimal, children have been born thanks to IVF. I'd be willing to bet that she couldn't tell the difference between an IVF conceived and naturally conceived human being if you stood them side by side, without any prior knowledge. However, just to get my point across I'm going to answer her questions

Do you think a baby conceived in test tube is still a child in the eyes of God?

I have yet to hear God's opinion on anything. The only thing I keep hearing is people saying what they think God's opinion is, and (not so)remarkably his opinion seems to parallel theirs even when their opinions differ. It's almost like he doesn't exist. Imagine that.

Does the science behind this merit a Nobel Prize, or ethical condemnation?

4 million children have been born thanks to IVF. I expect the majority of them would not have been conceived otherwise. That means 4 million children were members of loving families who wanted a child or children. Yes, I do think that deserves some recognition. As for as the ethical condemnation, you don't want to open that can of worms with me. Ethically, I can condemn the questions you've asked here, and I can give a helluva better arguments than your imaginary friend's opinion.

And what about the parents? Is their IVF choice selfish or loving? Are they creators -- or merely shoppers?

Hmmm...

Selfish or loving
Wouldn't that apply to any effort to have children? The difference between IVF and sex is the mixing in a petri dish and insertion. Everything else is exactly the same. Hell, if the couple aren't able to have children isn't that the equivalent of masturbation since the sex can't be for the purpose of procreation?

Creators -- or merely shoppers
There's no such thing as a Creator. We don't create life. My sperm and her egg combine, the cells start multiplying, the zygote attaches to the uterine wall, and roughly nine months later a child is born. The basic steps were the same, it's just that Princess and I needed some medical intervention to help it along.

From personal experience I can tell you that the only difference between an IVF baby and a naturally conceived baby are those few steps in the beginning. They are just as amazing, and frustrating, as any other child. They have all of the same qualities that other children have, and are even more wanted and loved than some who were conceived naturally. They are just as human and unique as any other person on this planet. However, if I have anything to say about it they will be better educated and more understanding than those like Ms. Grossman, who have a very narrow-minded view of what it is to be a living, thinking, loving, and loved human being.