Something I Feel the Need to Say

I believe this post will be easy to write, but harder to publish. The content has been running around in my head for a while, but the words have been difficult to organize.

Anyway, this past November I made my fourtieth full orbit around the Sun. That didn't actually bother me, and the family didn't make a big to-do about it. The thinking involved with this post started after that, during the holidaze (spelling intentional).

This year I was able to take the time off between the hijacked holiday known as Christmas, and New Years. That gave me time to spend with my family, and give my wife some relief with having all three of our little ones home at the same time... all day.

During that week, when Munchkin, Monkey, and Bear were playing with the boxes their presents came in, I started thinking. I want my children to be honest about who they are. How can I do that when I'm not honest about who I am?

Everyone who regularly reads this blog knows I'm an atheist. However, offline I'm only out to a handful of people. My wife and a handful of my friends know I'm an atheist, but I'm not actually "out". While I'm not actually living a lie, since no one ever asks, I still feel like I'm being disingenuous.

Before I was telling myself that it was for the sake of my family. Since I left home, and even since I let go of my delusion, my parents have become more religious. Padre is actually an elder in a local Baptist church. I can hope that if he found out that we could have a rational discussion about it, but somehow I'm doubtful. Still, I'm avoiding the elephant in the room in order to accomodate and keep the piece. While my parents are important to me, and I love them dearly, that shouldn't stop me from being who I am. If they can't accept that their son is still the same person they tell me they love even though I don't believe in their god, then they're no better than the god they worship who says I have to believe in him, no matter how good of a person I am, or after I die I'm going to suffer eternal punishment.

With my wife, daughters, friends, and family in mind I've decided to be honest about myself. This will probably sound angry to some, but I'm writing this while feeling as calm as I have felt in a long time.

With what I wrote above you already know I'm an atheist, if you didn't already. There's more though, and I'm only scratching the surface here. I have found no reason to believe in any gods, and substantial reasons not to believe in them. I spent my youth going to church but never quite understanding what everyone was speaking in tongues about (yes, I periodically attended Pentecostal church during my formative years). I never felt that thing they all spoke of feeling though, except when I listened to a particual piece of music that I felt a kinship with. I just figured it would come in time, but essentially I was agnostic with deistic leanings.

Then, I got older, things happened, and I started to question. For quite a while I asked, begged, and then pleaded for some sort of evidence of its existence. I figured it was all-knowing and all-powerful, so it would know what evidence I needed. When that didn't work I started doing some searching. The internet is a wonderful thing, because you can find all sorts of arguments for a deity's existence. Unfortunately, none of them were evidence. At best they were hearsay, and at worst they were outright deceitful.

Well, it wasn't going to take that route to retain my soul, apparently. I decided to read the Bible, again. I'd read bits and pieces before, but only with someone telling me what page to turn to and what it meant, on Sundays. It wasn't easy to read, to say the least. It felt like the equivalent of reading the unabridged The Three Musketeers. I still worked my way through it, until I got bored and started doing those fast forwards you did in high school when the teacher assigned you a book to write a report on, and the book wasn't one you would have ever picked for yourself. That's when I stumbled on Leviticus. Yeah, apparently god wanted his chosen to be a baseball team, because he had them practicing hurling stones... A LOT. And I'm not sure what method was to be used for "put to death", but that was a popular one, too.

Well, maybe the Bible isn't real, but god does exist. That was my next train of thought. Fortunately, I was honest enough with myself to continue on to the conclusion that it was unnecessary. My faith didn't shatter. There was no defining moment when I can say, "That's when I became an atheist." At some point I simply did the mental equivalent of tossing the last shred of my belief in the trashcan, as I walked by it on my way to something more important.

There wasn't any earth shattering realization, no tears, and no cries of anguish. I just realized that somewhere along the line I'd gotten rid of it. I might have even given a little grin and shake of my head, and said, "Huh."

However, the gravity of the situation soon settled in. My wife was a non-practicing Roman Catholic (who has since told her mom that she doesn't consider herself Catholic), so that wasn't a huge concern. Some concern? Yes. Enough that I basically blurted it out one evening. She was shocked, but we worked through it.

Still, there was my parents, and I didn't want to address that particular issue. Princess even suggested just letting it go, since we rarely see them and they live several hours away.

Then, the Creation Mausoleum came to town, and I read some of the things on their website and press releases in the newspaper. To call it jawdropping is an understatement. They were either deliberately lieing, or stupid. I can't say ignorant, because when their errors were pointed out they stuck to their guns. That galvanized me to start an online personae, and I already had a nickname to use from a previous job.

Questioning and letting go of my tenuous belief in any possibility of gods led me to start questioning other beliefs. Gradually, I started examining and letting go of all sorts of supernatural beliefs. Since I'd already dispensed with the biggie, those weren't that difficult. Soon those beliefs started following the previous one into that mental trashcan, and then I started on what I came to know as pseudo-science. UFOs, AltMed, Cryptids, and various other minor but no less unfounded beliefs began to pile on top of the previous ones that had already lined the bottom of that trashcan.

Keep in mind that with questioning came research, and I spent quite a bit of time viewing both sides of several debates (a mild term in many cases). Then I started going back to look at several of the places I'd previously visited, because you can bookmark sites on the internet, you know. Most of those were religious, and I came to my own realization. Jesse Ventura was wrong.

“Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.”

No, organized religion, and even mystical/magical/supernatural thinking is not a crutch. It's a broken leg. A crutch will still help you move forward, but what I was seeing impeded progress.

Organized Religion doesn't want people to question, without questioning there is no forward progress, and without progress nothing changes. With the supernatural people arrive at a conclusion that gives them the warm fuzzies, and they never try to learn more or continue forward. Fortunately, there are some, even inside religion, that are willing to question the status quo and come to their own decisions, but they are mostly a silent group.

I want things to move forward, to the point that I almost feel the need for it to. Not just for me, but for Princess, Munchkin, Monkey, Bear, and the rest of humanity. I don't want the following generations to have a better life, but I want mine to also. That's why I'm vehemently against religion, and all forms of supernatural/woo thinking.

The interesting thing is how opposite things have been from what most outsiders will hear about being an atheist, at least if they only listen to the blowhards in the pulpit. A few examples...

You can't be good without God.

Perhaps you can't, but maybe I'm just a better person than you. When I realized that no deity exists, I didn't start thinking about who I wanted to rape or murder.

An atheist just wants to be a nihilist and/or hedonist.

Actually, I'm just trying to find out the truth about the cosmos, and how to make it better.

Being an atheist is easy, because you can believe you can do anything you want.

Ummm... No. Your imaginary friend's lack of existence does not mean society doesn't exist. Even without society to keep a person from going completely homocidal, some of us are able to think for ourselves and come to our own decisions.

To me, being an atheist means thinking for yourself, and I mean truly thinking. Before you react to anything you have to think, which is counter to instincts (automatic and/or learned reactions). If your kneejerk reaction to something is negative, you have to stop and question why. Don't just allow your instincts and emotions to rule you, but force yourself to examine your instinctive reaction and then modify it to what is appropriate. Many of your instincts are related to your past experience and beliefs.

I'm a better person now that I've honestly examined myself and my beliefs, and I intend on being a better person still. I avoid lieing at any cost, but now I'm going to be more forthright. I realize that doing so may come to the attention family and friends, and may alienate some or all of the same. So be it. I'll deal with that when or if it occurs. I can only be who and what I am, and love and cherish those who accept me for that.

I can only hope that those who learn of this aspect of me are smart and decent enough to leave my wife and children out of it.

My name is Berlie Parks, and I am an atheist.